Checklists

Her eyes could barely open. 

What time was it? 

The dark figure turned its head towards the window. Outside was pitch black with small specks of stars across the sky. The room was lined with posters from floor to ceiling but she could barely see the outlines of them. Feeling around in the dark, her hand finally landed on her phone. She grimaced, as the brightness of the phone was too much for her still sleepy eyes. 4:42 a.m., it’s too early for this. Her mind was still asleep, but her body was awake and screaming. She laid in bed, feeling paralyzed by the weight of her backpack on her stomach.

It was heavy, too heavy. 

She could feel her lungs being crushed as she struggled to breathe. Knowing there was no way she could go back to sleep, she rolled out of bed and slipped her arms through the straps of the backpack. The backpack felt heavy on her back and weighed her down. Dragging her feet, she slowly made her way to the bathroom. Flicking the light switch, the sudden bright lights shocked her eyes once again. 

She stared at herself in the mirror.

The reflection looking back at her showed the dark eye bags on her face, her pale skin, and the bruises on her shoulders from the straps. She slowly turned the knob on the sink and sleepily splashed water on her face to wake herself up. She almost drowned herself in it. Finally somewhat awake, she dried her face with a towel and glanced at the time again. It’s only 5 a.m. What was there to do at 5 a.m.? She sighed and pulled the bathroom door open, heading downstairs to read a book. 

The bookshelf in the living room was lined with books with stories about wizards and magic to revolutions and going against the status quo. Her hand ran across the spine of her favorite book. A rush of memories came over her. She could remember the times where she would sit on the couch, nose in book, without a care for the world around her. A book she had read so many times she could recite it from memory. Today, she couldn’t bring herself to read it. Her favorite book became boring. For the first time in a long time, she moved on from the world she couldn’t bear to leave. Leaving the living room, she walked up the stairs and into her bedroom. She laid in bed for what felt like forever. 

Today, the backpack feels heavier.

All her days felt like checklists. 

Breakfast? Check. She managed to eat a bowl of rice with eggs.

Binge a couple episodes of Asian dramas? Only two episodes were able to be watched before she felt tired of it. 

Lunch? Her mother and sister had lunch plans with their friends so she’s left alone. No longer had she desired to go out with friends or let alone go out. She never spent her days rearranging her room and dancing to music. Her days were now entirely spent on the bed curled up in a blanket or on the living room couch. 

Everything she loved became something that she moved on from. She turned her head towards her desk and eyed the piece of paper sitting on top of the glossy wood. Slowly pulling herself up and off of her bed, she went and picked up the paper. This was the piece of paper that was supposed to tell her everything she had to do and how she was supposed to live.

Today, she was supposed to go out and be a normal teenager. It’s been so long, the word normal feels foreign. Instead of going out and about, she’s trapped in her own emotions and mind that have become her worst critic, taunting her and telling her that she isn’t good enough and that she’s just a burden. In an attempt to shake these thoughts from her head, she decided to busy herself by cleaning the house. Starting in the living room, she began to scrub every nook and cranny of, well, everything. Moving from room to room, she cleaned and cleaned to clear her mind. Once she got to the bathroom, she stopped for a minute. On the bathroom counter, bottles of medication were lined up below the mirror. Her eyes skimmed over the words on each bottle, reading everything that was wrong with her. 

She shut her eyes. 

She could hear the voices in her head.

They were taunting her, teasing her.

Her hands gripped the counter as her breathing became heavy. The weight of the backpack pulled her down to the floor. She gasped for air as she struggled to steady her breathing. She sat on the cold tiled bathroom floor clutching her cleaning towel like her life depended on it. 

She could feel herself getting faint.

Her body gave out and hit the floor with a thump.

She was suddenly brought back to consciousness by someone shaking her. Her eyes slowly opened to see her sister hovering over her with a concerned look on her face. Her sister sat her up and handed her a glass of water. The air was filled with silence as they both stared at the backpack. Her sister knew the cause. The dark eye bags and pale skin were unable to be concealed. Slowly, she got off of the floor and her sister pressed her bottle of medication into her hand. 

Her hand tightened around the transparent orange bottle as she went back to her bedroom. She shut the door behind her and she felt the heavy oak against her back. There was the instinct. The desire that she always had, but she could never have the guts to do it. Her feet shuffled across the room and she sat down on her bed. Her eyes were drawn to the orange bottle again. 

Letting out a deep breath, she poured the medication into her hand and swallowed it. She laid back onto her bed and felt her eyelids getting heavy. As her eyes fluttered shut, she met with the angel of death. 

By: Claudia Ly

You can access the piece: here.

This piece was written to reflect one of the darkest moments of my life. Being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis changed my life and there were many times where I struggled to deal with the pain while in high school. There were many different times where I longed to be normal again and forget that this ever happened, but I would always come back to reality with the fact that it is a part of me now. I have had these thoughts on multiple occasions but never have I once acted on those thoughts. I am so grateful to have an amazing support system that helps me walk through the darkness and come back to the light.